Is your business marketing-proof?
Apple is not “Apple” anymore.
Let that sink in for a second.
One of the most successful brands in the world (allegedly) isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. They report earnings that stretch from here to Saturn and back – with stops at Starbucks, bathroom breaks and day trips to the galaxy’s biggest ball of yarn – yet they fall short of expectations.
You are not Apple
It’s my reply to a ton of would-be FAQs. You dream of ‘failing’ so well. No brand is infallible, above reproach or the slings and arrows of a tough economy or negative customer feedback. And yet, some businesses seem to be.
Netflix. Before they flip flopped on Quikster, they got a lot of crap by alienating customers and investors with confusing strategy and bad PR. Yes they lost subscribers, but 1) it wasn’t as mass an exodus as the hype made it seem and 2) they stood to make more money in the long run.
Dry Cleaners. Liquor Stores. Restaurants. One of my local cleaners is crap, but they have the location so it doesn’t matter. One of my favorite wine stores is on a busy corner, doing fine without even a website to pimp their libations.
- Friend: “Grr…this place always messes up my order, takes too long, whah whine gripe.”
- You: “Then why do you keep coming here?”
- Friend: “It’s close/convenient/cheap.”
Uverse. See also, almost any utility that provides phone or cable or power. The service they provide might be nice, but when they don’t work, their so-called support is an insult to customer disservice abominations.
What does it take to be marketing proof?
- You’re made of Teflon. No amount of bad press, angry tweets or ranty Facebook posts seem to stick. Angry customers don’t scare you, even if they talk more.
- What down economy? You and your ‘too big to fail’ banker are laughing together, as you’re raking in the cash no matter what.
- Is that a problem? No ‘PR crisis‘ – real or imagined – lasts in stakeholders memories more than a nanosecond.
- You’re the only game in town. You’re where customer service goes to die, be reanimated via some hoo doo rituals, tortured then killed again. But there are no alternatives, no Pepsi to your Coke.
- You’re oxygen. You sell toilet paper, food, gas, utilities – the stuff everyone HAS to have; customers are a given.
- You’ve cornered location. “No one beyond a 30-mile radius probably knows [you] exist, and [you're] happy that way,” says Shakirah Dawud on web-proof SMBs who can ignore Yelp and Google.
- You’re the BIG BOX BRAND. Everyone will assume bigger is better, even if it’s not. You might lose one customer with your terrible customer service – and they may tell all their friends – but there’s plenty more where they came from.
No matter what you do or don’t, what’s said or not, your phone is always ringing, your website always clicking, a line of paying customers waiting outside your door. Is this your business? I probably doubt it.
Thoughts on a marketing-proof business, real or mythical?
If it’s too loud, I’m too old
Background music is supposed to be that, in the background. But everyone who wants to ‘entertain’ me – ball games, restaurants, cruises, etc. – blares it too loud for my taste.
Guess I am old
I’ve hit the point when I watch games on mute because the sounds of the stadium are too loud. I can’t hear the commentary or really follow the game. You’d think TV producers would learn to turn down the ‘ambient’ background mics when their pundits are blathering.
I just kinda hate ‘noise.’
I turn down the TV during action moments when the sound effects for punches, explosions, car crashes are at eardrum bursting levels. (Then there’s the dialogue I can barely hear and I’m tempted to turn on the closed captioning.)
The “Serenity” deck on the lovely Carnival Dream was anything but. Designed to be outside the spa, alas it is also adjacent to the open lido deck pool and water park. Science lesson: sound travels, even over ‘noise-reducing’ earbuds. This adult only retreat is better on older refurbed ships, where it’s more isolated. And I can hear my music – or nothing except the water and the slurping of my frosty beverage.
WTH does this have to do with marketing or PR?
Many business are too noisy with their marketing and sloppy social media: endless tweet streams, Facebook alerts that never shut up; sinful public relations that hypes the wrong messages or sends off-target pitches shotgun-style; emails polluting our inboxes with spam; and my personal peeve, automated sound or music when I get to the website.
It’s noise pretending to be of value, faking it as ‘content.’
Would you notice if the marketing volume was turned down? Would it make a difference?
If you’re gonna suck, do it with service
I do like pushing things with headlines, which works with this little rant on customer service. Which will get a Part Deux, Uverse from Hell Boogaloo .. once I’ve calmed down. Anyhoodle.
Customer Disservice FTW 
Despair Demotivators® “don’t work even better” because they get it. But companies like Netflix with the plethora of blog posts telling them how to right their ship STILL cannot buy a clue.
Shit Happens.
A year ago I begged my – former! – dry cleaner to suck less.
Another trip to the dry cleaner prompts a different kind of customer service and PR horror story: screwing up the right way. After ruining a nice beaded evening jacket, the owner:
- Apologized.
- Didn’t have the nerve to try to charge me for the cleaning.
- Immediately offered to replace the damaged item.
All of this done without my having to throw a fit.
What’s in it for them?
- My business. No guarantees they’ll keep it but we’ll see how it goes (still shopping). Are they willing to pay cash when I find a comparable item? Or give me a store credit (more likely)?
- My silence. It didn’t matter to the other place, but I did downrate them on sites like Yelp and Google. If I’m satisfied with how this gets resolved, I doubt I’ll be taking the time.
- My praise? Doubtful in this case, but for many small businesses this could be an opportunity in disguise. Turning a mistake around, finding a solution and showing your value is how you can turn someone not only into a loyal customer, but a brand advocate and nice PR too.
It’s said all the time: mistakes will happen, no matter how much planning you do. It’s what happens next, after the screw up – THAT is what separates the starting lineup from those riding the pine. When you’ve made a mistake, bring your A game and make it right.
Have you ever made good on a mistake and lived to tell the tale? Do tell.
How to get free publicity for your business.
You don’t.
This is probably one of my most frequently asked questions (post pending), as I then explain the falacy that PR = publicity. And since I’ve got you here with my linkbaiting headline that asks a question and seeks to give a transparent answer (h/t Marcus), let’s pile on the SEO love.
How do you get free publicity? You. Don’t.
There is no such thing as free. No free passes, we pay for our ‘free gifts with purchase.’ There are no free lunches – unless you get lucky, meet a nice blogging friend on the Internet.
Publicity is not free. Wire services cost money. Stunts and ‘viral’ memes can cost big money to produce and market. It’s not free publicity; it’s earned media.
It takes a considerable investment of time, expertise, research and talent to properly target the appropriate media with your company’s tale of promotional ‘news.’ Even if you go it alone, don’t fall for the DIY lie. Don’t know if you’ve heard, but time IS money and you could end up spending as much time running your marketing as you do running your business.
It takes writing skill, understanding the market and media, what appeals to whom. It takes know-how to pitch a story, find the right reporter and package it the right way to earn that positive exposure. Don’t believe me? Here’s how NOT to pitch, either the media or a blogger.
A simple litmus test on deciding what news is worthy of free publicity – ahem, earned media.
Store Opening: Are you Apple? Yes, it’s news. No, try again.
New Hire/Promotion/Exec who wants their name in the paper: Did you hire or fire Donald Trump? Congratulations, that’s news I’d read. No, maybe try the trades or yes, there are the vanity wall ‘People in the News’ sections of trades and business journals. Good luck with that.
New Product: New widget? If there’s not an “i” in front of it, think about what makes YOUR widget interesting to the readers and viewers of the media or blogger you’re pitching. Is it a new creole-Swiss fusion cuisine billiards-and-yodel bar? Different isn’t enough, everyone is ‘different.’ It has to be better than other options and worth a trip.. but don’t pitch it 4 counties over or the sports local section.
New factory, business: If your business consists of an operation run out of the back of your SUV, stimulating the economy of your back pocket my professional opinion is to suggest you dig a little deeper. If you’re generating millions in revenue that attracts investors or adds 50 jobs to the local community, now you’ve got something.
You want the cover of WSJ: that one’s easier, screw up royally.. more epic the facepalm, the better. (Inside PR joke.)
Yes, you have a story. So what.
We all have stories to tell, we all have businesses to market and services we think are all that and a box of chocolate. But it doesn’t always mean it’s news worthy of ‘free’ publicity. It’s the answer to the “so what?” – real, interesting, entertaining, thought-provoking, relevant to the audience – that is what gets you closer to a story watchable on the nightly news.
Whether you go it alone or hire a professional, keep that in mind along with this: as a pro, the job isn’t just about media relations but its value to your business, its worth and return on the investment of your time and money. My next question is this: Your PR ploy worked, got you some publicity. Great. What are you gonna do now to make that publicity work for your business?
Thoughts? Rants? Off target pitches to not share?
Photo credit: they sell all sorts of snarky things at Cafepress.
Vagina Marketing
Warning: this rant was inspired by my friend Jenn Whinnem and some bullshit I’ve read and seen in the last couple weeks. If my ‘feminist politics’ get your boxers, briefs, thongs or granny panties in a twist, feel free to bounce rate out of here.
Vagina Marketing
How does one go about marketing the vagina? That was my question to Jenn, along with the ‘joke’ that it’s illegal to do so save Nevada. See this is about the marketing of the word vagina.
Words change meaning. In Kate and Leopold Liev Schriber couldn’t stop laughing at how commonplace the word Erection was used back in old timey, sephia-toned days for something other selling boners to middle aged men.
Words have connotations. There’s the riddle designed to show gender bias, about the doctor who’s Dun Dun DUN! also a Mother, the kind that’s a woman. With ovaries.
The brain trust at Summer’s Eve is at again, because their last round of douchey stupidity wasn’t dumb enough. The meme of their latest blight on marketing:
Vaginas are awesome!
Look people, stop squirming. You wouldn’t be here without a vagina, unless you’re a clone, were hatched in a lab or are possibly an alien. It’s a word, a part of the anatomy. I’m more squeaked out by the word bowels, so let’s pretend to not be 12 years old or Butthead’s 2nd cousin, thrice removed. Ahem.
They have cast a Cat on a Mission, a CAT PUPPET as spokesperson for this ‘viral’ atrocity. Bad tongue in cheek meta puns, OMG.
SpokesKITTY Carlton is supposed to make the WORD Vaginal synonymous with Awesome. The point is “to get women talking about their bodies in an open way,” according to their press release. And this shit will somehow help them sell crap.
Western civilization is doomed
Time capsule: Jersey Shore, Viagra, E-Harmony, KY ‘for women’, overpriced cars, junk food, no-effort diets, teeth whitening. We’re apparently the most vapid, narcissistic, selfish little trolls and sadly much of this crap is being ‘marketed’ to and/or ‘for’ women. Piffle.
Thinking about Cialis, Viagra ads, all ripe for the mocking – thank YouTube. They’ll use terms like ‘ED’ or ‘erectile disfunction’ but don’t dare use the words penis, flacid, limp, impotent, soft or anything else that might dare suggest the lack of a man reaction is anything other than a serious medical problem. Guess you don’t make money making dudes feel crappy about themselves, worrying about penile freshness? IDK.
Women on the other hand, it’s some inferiority on their parts – which marketers exploit to sell them crap – if they can’t pass the freshness test or experience that pleasure moment. See also, KY and its Intense ‘for women’ ads that are in fact, also very much about and for men.
Summer’s Eve has decided that the way to remove the ‘stigma’ of the word vagina – quoting from their press release – is to invent “a fun way to give it a new, positive place in today’s vernacular.”
Because the word vagina itself is so offensively negative?! I get what they wanted to do, but think this is pretty much a dumb, offensive way to go about doing it. That or I just don’t get their brand of funny.
The part I skipped
Same week I saw this: the courts decided that violence towards women was cool to sell to kids, provided the scantily-clad women covered their naughiest of digitally-enhanced, jiggling NIPPLE and VAGINA bits. Yes, I am over simplifying. I’m also skipping another 1,200 word diatribe on cultural values and who is responsible when a child of 12 buys a ‘game’ in which the object is to shoot, kill, curse, steal, fight and/or abuse women.
Instead, I’ll ask the marketers “to women for women” WTH my version of a game would be like, if it will be totally Vaginal and when can I expect it to hit shelves? Oh if I score points by buying shoes, you’re all fired. Blah blah tell me what you think blah.